You know why Nikki and I are no longer an item.
Mike, there is no you and Nikki.
She has a serious boyfriend. You've never even dated her.
That's one reason.
Come on, Mike, face it. You're obsessed.
That's not true. I am not.
It's been over 12 hours since I called her apartment
and hung up when she answered.
You're a rock.
I'm serious. I am over her.
Good morning, everybody.
ALL: Morning, Mike.
So, any new business?
JAMES: Stuart keeps using my letter opener to scratch his butt.
STUART: I'm definitely switching to boxers.
You disgust me.
CARTER: You ok, man?
Everybody out. Everybody just get out for a sec.
There's something I forgot to take care of.
Here you go.
Not even gonna ask where my stapler is.
Nikki.
I'm glad you came back.
It's about time I told you...
How I really feel about you.
PAUL: I just came back to get my donut.
But, uh...
Thanks anyway, boss.
James... How would you like me to use you
and possibly humiliate you in the process?
What's the catch?
No catch. I just got this girl
who won't go out with me unless...
I bring a date for her friend.
Please, Stuart, he's too young
to drag into your disgusting sexual web.
Hey, we're roughly the same age.
Ha. You have rashes older than James.
Hey, Mike, you got any lunch plans today?
Yeah, the mayor and I are dining with the taxi driver's union again.
Oh, that reminds me.
Stacy, when you order lunch for these guys,
remember, a lot of them are from India.
So?
So go easy on the burger buffet from happy cow.
I can't believe you're leaving tonight.
Hey, it's not till midnight.
You're gonna come back to my place
after work anyway, aren't you?
What do you think?
I think tonight's gonna be a big night.
Hey, Mike. Nice to see ya.
Oh, hi, Arthur.
It's always a...
Something.
So what's with the big night?
I thought you were over her.
I lie a lot. What are you, new here?
Mike, Nikki confided in me,
so when and if they sleep together,
you can't expect me to run and tell you about it.
They haven't slept together yet?
Damn!
Listen, Arthur and Nikki weren't always clicking at first,
but now she's... Ready to dive in.
No sex...
And no clicking.
And now she's ready to dive in.
Do you only hear what you wanna hear?
I think you're right. I think I got a shot.
Mike, Arthur just wanted to say good-bye.
I'm heading out of town for a week up to Maine.
Bangor?
Stuart, I can't tell ya how flattered I am
that you asked me to this business meeting.
You know, I usually have lunch with Claudia on Fridays,
but she's out of town.
Yeah. Uh... About that, Paul...
These contractors are all business.
They might even perceive marriage
as a sign of weakness, so...
hey, hey, hey, hey. Enough said. Today...
I'm all man.
Scotch.
And a Roy Rogers with extra cherries.
Here they are.
Just follow my lead.
Ok.
Hey, Wendy. I'm glad you came.
Hi. I'm Paul lassiter.
I'm not married.
I can't believe he's taking her skating to rockefeller center.
Oh, he's gonna rock her feller center!
What the hell does that mean?
It's frat boy talk. I never got a chance to do that in college.
I'll get better.
Look, if Arthur goes away for a week,
and they haven't slept together yet,
that means I still got a chance.
Hey, Nikki, I need you to go through these budget reports tonight.
I need you to stay late. I'm sorry.
But Mike, Arthur's plane leaves at midnight. I'll totally miss him!
I just think in the long run, this is gonna be best for us.
You know... As a city.
You know, I could do those for you.
No, no. You can't, James.
Why? (ANGRILY) Yeah, why?
Well, b-because, I need you to help me, uh,
with the taxi negotiations.
What for?
Now, I'll leave this so you'll be prepared to negotiate.
No, no, I'm not gonna do it! You'll get nothing from me!
I... I was practicing.
We are here to see the mayor!
We are the cab drivers!
Don't touch my desk.
You just made my list.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got a list, too, buddy!
It's got a bunch of cab drivers on it!
Hi. I'm Rick.
And you are the new number one.
Everyone, please, make yourselves comfortable.
Can we get you guys a beverage?
I'll take a warm goat milk.
How about a yoo-hoo?
Acceptable.
Gentlemen, you are the lifeblood of this city,
and nothing means more to me than coming to terms.
Whatever it takes... I'm here for the duration!
Sir, it's time for your massage.
Ok.
Ok, let's get down to business.
First of all, we've had a number of complaints from pedestrians.
About what?
Apparently, uh, you keep running into them.
I bet some people just think of you as a pretty face.
Now, I'll date a good-looking guy,
you know, if I have to...
But he needs to be intelligent.
You know what I mean?
One time, I picked up this guy,
and he gave me an $11.00 tip.
Oh...
So, you're a cabbie.
What do you really wanna be, huh?
I just wanna be a cabbie. Ha ha.
Oh, there's gotta be somethin'.
Ah... It's too far-fetched.
No, no, no. Come on, tell me.
If I really bust my hump driving
for, like, the next 20, 25 years,
maybe, someday,
I might be able to buy
my own party limo.
You know the kind, with the sunroof,
so people can stick their head out the top
and be, like, whoo-hoo!
Look at me! I'm in Rick's party limo!!
So, um...
You wanna go out sometime?
Yes.
Ok, it's all there,
the medallion cap, the 3% reduction in insurance.
Just read that over.
How was your massage, sir?
You know, the masseuse said
that for a man who runs the largest city in the world,
I have surprisingly little tension.
You don't say.
This is satisfactory.
Ok, then. Just put your Abdul... Hancock right there.
I apologize for being late. I was just going over the figures.
Yeah. We're all done here, James.
Oh, that's great. You gave them the 5% insurance reduction that we had budgeted?
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
No. We didn't.
Paul, these came for you.
For me?
The card says, "to my sweet Paulie,
love, mitsy."
Claudia's my friend. If you're messing around,
I'm gonna go Jackie chan on your ass.
Janelle! Janelle, my wife is out of town!
I went, I had lunch with a young lady.
We had a few laughs, some champagne.
And she sent me some flowers and a card!
Oh, my God! I'm having an affair!
Oh, my God!
I'm gonna... Stuart!
Stuart, you set me up on a date!
And scientists said it couldn't be done.
I want you to get the 4 of us together. I want you to explain everything to them.
I can't do that, Paul. Wendy and I broke up.
You had a fight?
No, we slept together, so...
I'm kinda done.
An all-out taxi strike, huh?
What a tangled web we weave.
(MIMICKING) What a tangled web we weave.
Mike, I'm really sorry. I was just trying to help.
Look, the taxi drivers really like you, so just stick close to them.
You got it. Oh, and Mike, um...
Sorry about paralyzing the city.
So, Mike, is it all worth it?
Well, all I know
is that Nikki is here and Arthur is leaving.
Here's the first half of the budget report.
After 4 hours,
I found a 9 cent discrepancy in the transportation allotment.
Here's a dime.
Keep the penny.
When this is done, I'd really like to make it up to you, ok?
So how about a nightcap?
You know, maybe... Someplace with a fireplace...
A little slow dancing?
You know, I mean, whatever.
The city's a mess.
There's no way Arthur's gonna make it to the airport.
I'm still gonna get to see him.
Oh... She's gonna see him, all right!
She's gonna see all of him!
You know, 'cause...
They're gonna get together,
and they'll probably be naked...
I... I get it!
You know, you really suck at this.
Guys, you can't go on strike.
People gotta get home. They gotta get to work.
They gotta get to the airport so they can't have sex.
It's... It's a figure of speech.
Are people still saying that?
Let's have a little more coffee.
Uh, cream, Abdul?
Jabbar?
We want to rework the entire proposal!
Well... ahem.
Looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
Claudia just called.
She's coming back to town early,
and I still haven't broken up with my girlfriend.
Well, that's it!
There is no way Arthur's gonna make it to the airport.
I'm gonna go get a new bra.
I got it. I got it.
Your aunt in Westchester has a car.
You can borrow it and give him a ride!
Yeah, she's definitely gonna arrange some form of transportation.
The joke is she's gonna give him a ride, all right.
If you're not gonna try, I'm not gonna help you!
This isn't easy for me!
James...
Jabbar's cab is in short-term parking.
Would you mind moving it for him?
Do you mean it?
You're one of us now.
I'm honored. Tell you what, let me just finish this speech first...
aaaahhh! Now!! Move the cab now!!
I got a few minutes to kill. I can move that for you.
Mike, let me just...
aaahhh! Now!! Give me the keys now!!
Hello, mitsy?
Yeah, this is Paul lassiter.
Could you come down to city hall today?
Maybe we could talk.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I love you, too, honey.
You know, it's the first time in my life a cabbie's ever buzzed my apartment
and asked me if I wanted to go to the airport.
So, uh, jabbar, you're from India, huh?
(BAD ACCENT) O-oh, yes. Oh, my goodness gracious.
Most definitely.
Which state are you from?
The really, really crowded one.
With all the people. And the elephants.
Sounds like maharashtra.
Oh, yes. Oh, how I long for...
(MUMBLING) Maj... Rastra.
You are most excellent guesser, Arthur.
How'd you know my name?
I, too... Am most excellent guesser.
I'd better catch up with the other cabbies.
Hey, Rick, just a little curious.
Did you do well in school?
I got my fair share of babes.
See ya tonight.
Stacy, why are you going out with this fool?
He's got street smarts.
What do you mean when you say street smarts?
He knows the names of a lotta streets.
I take one look at his face,
and the logic just goes out the window.
Yeah. I feel embarrassed for you.
What about Vince? He was no rocket scientist.
Uh... Hello!
Vince owned and operated his own business.
He mowed lawns.
I'm glad to hear you guys got the strike settled so quickly.
My girlfriend works at city hall, so I know how tough the mayor can be.
You know, I was supposed to see her tonight,
but she's got this psychotic workaholic boss.
You do not say?
And the crazy thing is,
I think she has a thing for him, and I don't know what to do about it.
(STILL WITH BAD INDIAN ACCENT) Well, I am no bartender...
But I say...
Back off.
Back, back, back, back, back.
There is an old proverb...
Let the woman you love date her boss
for 2 years.
If she loves you...
She come back.
I really like her.
Tell me...
How are the most intimate relations?
Uh... Great.
(COUGHS) Bull!
Excuse me?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah.
Now, Paul, is something going on with the taxi negotiations?
Both sides are closer than they think.
It doesn't seem like you're being completely honest with us.
I am not two-timing the taxi drivers.
I love the taxi drivers with all my heart.
I like the way they look.
I like the way they smell in the morning.
No further questions.
Paul!
You were great out there!
Oh, yes, you were amazing, lovekins!
Who's this?
Claudia, mitsy. Mitsy, Claudia.
How do you know Paul?
He's my boyfriend.
Well, that's just great.
(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS)
Could you turn that down a little?
(WITHOUT ACCENT) Yeah, you got it, buddy.
What happened to your accent?
(WITH ACCENT) Oh.
I was just practicing my American expressions.
Would you like me to try some for you?
(WITHOUT ACCENT) Hey, ya loser.
And bonehead.
Tool.
I get it.
(WITH ACCENT) Oh, thank you.
You are most complimentary. (UNDER BREATH) Ya jerk.
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Strike breaker!
Get out of the way!
Who are all these people?
(CHANTING) Scab, scab, scab, scab, scab!
Infidel!
Scab, scab, scab, scab, scab!
Get off of there! Get off!
Scab, scab, scab!
James, it's me! It's Mike!
Mike?
What the hell's going on here?
Hey, Arthur.
Scab, scab, scab!
I want an explanation.
(WITH ACCENT) I'll be back.
I'll just be talking with these gentlemen for a brief moment.
Scab, scab, scab, scab!
I don't think I can do this.
Every time I look at his face, I melt.
Then just block it out.
I think that's a little obvious.
Call me crazy, but I don't think he's gonna pick up on it.
Listen, Rick...
I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...
ah!
God!
I'm such an idiot!
Oh...
Guys, help.
Damn!
So, Rick...
Party limos.
That's fascinating stuff.
So...
Nikki gets a long weekend to go away with Arthur,
and you get to have the mayor's limo take 'em to the airport.
Well, I figured it was a mature thing to do.
Plus, it was the only way to get Arthur not to fink on me.
I just spoke to Arthur.
Michael Patrick Flaherty...
Of all the things you've ever done, I think this is the lowest.
Oh, and thanks for giving me Monday off.
Guess Arthur broke his promise.
You know, if there's one thing I can't stand,
it's dishonesty.
Please tell me that you're gonna move on.
Well, I am crazy about Nikki, but...
If this isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be.
I promise you, Carter... It's over.
Ah! Good!
(RING)
Nikki Faber.
Hellooooo?
This has been going on for, like, 3 months!
You can't prove anything.
Is Nikki really getting Monday off?
Monday's not the only day she's gettin' off!
I did it!
I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.
Well...
Keep in touch.
Here's my number.
I'll make you some of my home cooking.
Maybe I should take your number.
Oh, we don't have a phone,
so you're gonna have to call us. Ok.
Wait... Oh, ok!
Good-bye! Bye-bye, now!
What do you have to say for yourself?
I love you?
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.